THE HARBOR HILLS EXPERIENCE

As we inch closer to another amazing camp season, I have been reflecting on everything that camp means to me. I passionately believe that camp provides children with an amazingly unique opportunity to grow in a caring community under the supervision of remarkable counselors and specialists. Camp inspires confidence and encourages the magnificent unfurling of our children in a context that allows them to nurture their curiosity and increase their repertoire of confidence in a way that will inspire them throughout their lives.

As I reflect on all of the ingredients that make camp so special to me, I am reminded of a magnificent poem by Diane Ackerman titled, “The Great Affair”. This poem captures all that camp does for children in a profound and beautiful prose – it resonates with everything camp is about:

THE GREAT AFFAIR by Diane Ackerman
The great affair, the love affair with life,
is to live as variously as possible,
to groom one’s curiosity like a high-spirited thoroughbred,
climb aboard, and gallop over the thick, sun-struck hills every day.
Where there is no risk, the emotional terrain is flat and unyielding,
and, despite all its dimensions, valleys, pinnacles, and detours,
life will seem to have none of its magnificent geography, only a length.
It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery,
but what a (rugged) and beautiful country lies in between.

We can’t wait for Opening Day to arrive and for our campus to be filled with the joyous sounds of campers as they revel in the activities and friendships that make HHDC the special destination it is for young children.  See you soon!

The Importance of Harbor Hills as a Social Experience for Children

Sherry Turkle is a social psychologist at M.I.T. and author of, Alone Together, a profound book about the impact of technology on interpersonal relationships. On April 22, Dr. Turkle wrote a powerful article for the Sunday Review section of The New York Times. The essence of the article is about how the digital revolution has impacted the way people communicate and, perhaps more importantly, on our ability to be in genuine relationship with one another.

Dr. Turkle’s article speaks to the value of establishing a culture like Harbor Hills and to the importance of cultivating trusted and valuable relationships. To paraphrase the Master Card commercial, she would agree that the sense of connection, support and special moments at HHDC are “priceless” to a child’s sense of well-being as well as to their actual development.

As each of us reflects on moments in life that we cherish, it will most likely have to do with the kindness, fun or joy we experienced with another person.  As central as our digital devices have become to our lives, there is no replacement for a human relationship in which someone takes the time to listen to us, encourages us and/or models behaviors that we can learn from.

One of the most cogent vignettes that Dr. Turkle shares in the article is an anecdotal story of a young man (16 years old) whose primary form of communication is texting.  He laments that “Someday, but certainly not now, I’d like to learn how to have a conversation.” At Harbor Hills, we create a safety zone for campers that is technology-free.  It is driven by a spirit of engagement and a dedication to guide, encourage and recognize the things that campers achieve in a personal way.  The HHDC community strives for all campers to know that they are not isolated but part of a vibrant and caring community where a happy or soaring spirit sparks growth and ignites memories that will stay in the hearts and memories of our campers as they journey forth in their lives.

Click here for the full article - The Flight From Conversation

WISDOM FROM A HARBOR HILLS FAN

Gene Monahan, the esteemed long time trainer of the New York Yankees is a devoted friend and fan of HHDC.  For the last ten years, Gene has come to camp and spent time talking to campers inspiring them to do their best in all aspects of life as well as answering questions regarding baseball and the Yankees.  In addition, Gene has treated campers to a thrilling and probably once in a lifetime experience of trying on his World Series ring.  Campers always enjoy their time with Gene–his wise words, great stories and the dignity and grace with which he carries himself have been a joy and inspiration to the Harbor Hills community.

Recently, Gene was awarded the William J. Slocum-Jack Lang award for long and meritous service by the New York Chapter of the Baseball Writers Association.  Herb was there to witness the ceremony. Gene made an outstanding and inspirational speech. The Speech has been edited so that you can hear Gene’s wise words which resonate with the core of the mission & spirit of Harbor Hills! If you are interested in watching the speech click here. http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20120121&content_id=26419858&c_id=mlb. If you want to watch and listen to the speech in it’s entirety click here https://www.hhdcforms.com/FORMS/Gene_Video_full.html

Parenting Realities – What we CAN and CANNOT do for our Children!

Recently, parents have asked about the best strategies for being an effective parent for their children.  Obviously, the needs of children change over the span from infancy to young adulthood.  That being said, there are some universal truths to keep in mind throughout the quest to being an attuned and effective parent.  Most importantly, remember it is our job to teach our children the skills necessary to become competent and independent.  This means developing a strong internal sense of themselves which is grounded in and reflective of a robust sense of independent thinking buttressed by the guidance of their parents.  Here is a short list of the things we can and cannot do for our children.  We hope this helps you in your journey to being a conscious parent.

Things you CAN do as a parent:

You can mirror, validate and empathize as your children share their thoughts, feelings and experiences in the world.  This helps build a sense of being held safely for children and allows them to share more.

You can expand your child’s world by introducing new opportunities.

You can provide a sense of safety by being reliable and consistent in your expectations and the way you hold your child accountable. Kids crave consistency.

You can encourage your child to do their homework and help them acquire the skills necessary to succeed in their education.

You can have realistic expectations and provide needed resources to help your child meet them.

You can instill in your child a sense of hard work and always putting their best effort forward.

You can teach your child a sense of resiliency. It will help them create a sense of perseverance and tenacity which will aid them throughout their lives.

You can connect with your child. Tuck them in at night, talk to them about their day, about when you were little, about what you’re going to do this weekend, just talk with them.

You can keep your child healthy by ensuring they eat nutritious food, get plenty of exercise and spend lots of time outside.

Things you CANNOT do as a parent:

You cannot make your children happy – they will never be happy all the time.

You cannot give your child self-esteem – they must develop it on their own in a variety of situations, they have to master skills on their own- it is the only way to gain self-esteem.

You cannot choose your child’s friends and you can’t micromanage their friendships

You cannot keep your child 100% safe all of the time.

You cannot give your child independence, they have to want it and take it for themselves; kids have to strike out on their own. You can undermine their independence though by not being attuned and not supporting your child’s impulses towards independence with appropriate guidance and prudence.

In conclusion, being an intentional and conscious parent melds various concepts together.  Most importantly, we must be reliable and consistent in our expectations of our children; this helps them be able to organize their worlds in a predictable way. We must always remember that the choices we make regarding our children should come out of our love and wisdom. When things do not work out as expected, we must be able to listen to our children’s responses and validate their world while still assist in guiding them towards the most positive choices.

Some information in this article has been adapted from the work of Michael Thompson, Ph.D. 

The Upstairs-Downstairs Brain

(Adapted from Daniel Siegel’s The Whole-Brain Child)

In a previous post (February 22, 2012), we described the two hemispheres of the brain: the left and the right. The brain also has a top and a bottom referred to as the upstairs and the downstairs brain.

The downstairs brain includes the brain stem and the limbic region. These lower areas of the brain, which are well-developed at birth, are responsible for basic survival functions like breathing, blinking and temperature regulation. They are also responsible for innate reactions and impulses like our fight, flight or freeze responses when danger is perceived.

The upstairs brain, behind your forehead, contains our amazing cerebral cortex. This cerebral or prefrontal cortex is where planning, thinking, creating, analyzing, empathizing, problem-solving and imagining take place. When the upstairs brain is turned on and functions well, your child can regulate emotions, consider consequences and see things from other people’s perspectives. This sounds great, but the truth of the matter is that the upstairs brain isn’t fully developed until your child is a young adult.

When the upstairs brain and downstairs brain are connected, they are considered to be vertically integrated. This means that the upstairs can monitor the actions of the downstairs , helping calm the strong reactions, impulses and emotions that originate there. For our children, the upstairs brain is a work in progress, still under construction, and they are prone to getting trapped in their downstairs brains in fight, flight or freeze reactions.

The downstairs brain has a watchdog at its front gate, called the amygdala, always on the alert for danger.  When the amygdala senses danger, it can completely hijack the entire brain and lead to acting (fight, flight or freeze) before thinking. Sometimes, this ability ensures our survival and, at other times, we over-react and our over-reactions cause even more problems.

This is why at HHDC we foster a culture of safety and fun!  It goes without saying that we are devoted and dedicated to your child’s physical safety AND, in addition, we know that your child’s emotional safety is just as important. Without emotional safety, the watchdog of the brain may sense danger and your child’s downstairs brain will respond with fight, flight or freeze responses. Our staff is trained to know how to be a source of soothing and safety to campers and to then engage with their upstairs brain by shifting into collaborative problem-solving, multiple perspective taking, examining consequences and their decision-making process.  Our staff appeals to the upstairs brain which helps exercise and builds that critical part of the brain. Like a muscle, “use it or lose it” aptly describes brain development.

Whole Brain Strategy #2 includes Herb’s famous saying, “There are no problems only solutions.” Staff are trained to be intentional about teaching campers to stay solution-focused, to include campers as much as possible in decision-making and helping campers think about the consequences of their actions and decisions.  Staff are trained to connect in a caring way first, then communicate and, if appropriate, create solutions together or compromise.

As a camp community, HHDC is committed to nurturing campers’ developing minds, inspiring their radiant spirits and helping them become more capable and confident in almost every aspect of their young lives!

Anti-Bullying

As owner/director Herb strives to increase community awareness of contemporary issues that are impacting children.  Recently, Herb wrote an article on anti-bullying that has been well received and has been published both online and print in NJKidsOnline.com,  Hoboken411.com, The Record Newspaper, The Daily Record, MyCentralJersey.com, SummitPatch.com, Hoboken Reporter, Jersey City Reporter.  Below is a copy of the article.

As elected officials in New Jersey complicate the topic of anti-bullying by battling over legislation and who has to pay for it, we should remind ourselves that sometimes there are certain solutions to problems that can be found much more easily than others.

As director of Harbor Hills Day Camp, one of New Jersey’s leading summer day camps for children and teens, I have seen my fair share of bullying incidents. While we have a talented and competent staff of counselors who are trained to handle the issue as it happens, correcting the behavior ultimately comes down to how a child’s parents react to the situation.

For the past decade, I have seen several hundred children come walking through our doors each summer. Ultimately, this means I have observed hundreds, if not thousands, of parents and how they respond to certain situations. In the case of bullying, I have seen parents be strategic and intentional in their intervention, and I have seen parents overreact and exacerbate the situation.

If you notice your child is exhibiting signs of being bullied, or has come right out and told you of specific instances, here are some do’s and don’ts to remember when dealing with the situation:

DO

• Normalize the situation – let your child know it happens to the best of us.
• Listen carefully to what your child tells you, mirroring back what you hear and not reacting to or judging what your child is sharing.
• Comfort, empathize with and soothe your child.
• Engage in empowering your child by brainstorming possible solutions to the problem together.
• If your child is having trouble making and maintaining friendships, build your child’s self-esteem by helping him/her become more competent in a skill (sports, music, art, etc.).
• Role-play and practice various scenarios for dealing with your child’s bully (practice things such as an ‘emotional shrug’ or walking away from situations).
• Be vigilant of the situation and if you feel it has gotten out of hand, notify teachers, principals and other relevant adults.
• Teach your child there is no shame in asking for help.

DON’T

• Do not reprimand your child for admitting he or she has been bullied.
• Do not place blame or judgment on your child for being bullied.
• Do not encourage bad behavior or retribution.
• You may want to notify the aggressor’s parents about the situation, but do not analyze their child’s behavior or use derogatory names to describe the child.

As parents, we cannot create a perfect world for our children, but we can help them make sense of what goes on. Help your child digest the situation and understand what is happening. Most importantly, remember, there are no problems, only solutions!

Being in Your Right Mind: How to Use What We Know About the Brain to Help Your Child Thrive!

Summarized from The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel

All of our brains consist of two hemispheres: a left and a right. The left brain loves and desires logic, details and order. It thinks linguistically, linearly, literally and it loves to analyze and problem-solve.

The right brain, on the other hand, notices non-verbal cues like facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture and gestures. It specializes in images, emotions and personal memories.

Young children, especially during those first three, very formative years of their life, are right-brain dominant. They live their lives in the present moment and are more emotional than logical. It is only when your young child begins to ask “Why?” all of the time that you know the left brain is beginning to activate. The left brain wants to understand cause and effect relationships in the world. It is seeking to grasp the logic of what the child is observing around him or her.

When things are working well for us, the two sides of the brain cooperate with one another seamlessly.  Using only one side of the brain would be like a one-armed paper hanger.  Hanging wall paper is much easier if you have two hands and two arms.  Having both emotions and logic gives our lives meaning as well as order.  As Daniel Siegel puts it, “You don’t want to live in an emotional flood or an emotional desert.”

By helping our kids connect left and right, we give them a better chance of living with flexibility and adaptability as well as the positive fuel and perspectives that balanced emotions can bring.

Therefore our #1 Whole-Brain Strategy this week is helping our kids by using Connect and Re-direct Strategies rather than Command and Demand.

When a child is experiencing big waves of right-brain emotions without much left-brain logical balance these are the suggested whole-brain steps:

1. Connect with your child right brain to right brain. Your instinct may be to talk to your child from your left brain and reason with him or her. You will gain cooperation more quickly with far less drama if you use your right brain to listen, comfort, make eye contact, lightly touch your child, rub his or her back and respond with your own non-verbal signals and nurturing voice tone that convey you care and are interested in your child.
2. As your child feels heard and cared for with comments like, “Sometimes it’s just really hard, isn’t it? You really want me to know what it is you are thinking and feeling about this. You have your own special way of letting me know what’s important to you. I imagine you wish this problem would just go away…like magic” they will begin to relax and soften and be more receptive to the left brain logic of problem-solving, planning or thinking through the consequences.

When parent and child are tuned in to each other, they experience a sense of joining together and being on the same page, laying the groundwork for working together to solve the situation or dilemma.  This kind of attunement actually brings your child’s brain into balance, or into a more integrated state. Then you can redirect your child with the logical left brain to left brain connection. You may need to stop destructive behavior and remove your child from a situation before you can connect and redirect. But times of high emotion are not the best times for lessons to be learned.

At Harbor Hills we often use the connect and redirect strategy with campers. One summer, after swim, a 5 year old girl did not want to put on suntan lotion. No matter how much her counselor appealed to her left brain logic of why It is important to put on suntan lotion before going out in the sun, the camper refused. She hated the feel of suntan lotion, she wouldn’t put it on, get dressed or join her group for the next activity! This open-hearted counselor simply connected right brain to right brain by empathizing with the girls dislike of suntan lotion, suggesting they play in the changing room together since they couldn’t go outside without suntan lotion and within ten minutes the camper was playing happily, completely calm and the counselor and camper made up a new game of covering each other with suntan lotion and the camper rejoined her group and had a wonderful remainder of the day.That’s connect and redirect at its best!